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My husband and I both work, but my husband is not very involved in our financial affairs. I do most of the work in terms of managing our finances. I think I’m doing an okay job, I don’t have any formal financial training, but I’ve tried to teach myself the best I can. I’ve kept us out of debt, I have helped us accumulate a decent amount in savings, and I’ve tried to start investing as well. But my husband is more risk-averse than me, he thinks it’s basically gambling. He also gets anxious about us spending money, even though we have money to spend. How can I get him to be more on the same page?
When one partner takes full responsibility for the household finances, it can take away the need for the other to take ownership and responsibility.Credit: Simon Letch
There are a few different angles to this kind of problem.
Try to level the playing field: What often happens when one partner takes over the money management, is that over time, a gap gets created between the two in terms of their financial skills and capabilities.
That’s only natural. If, for example, you did all the cooking in the home, over time you would naturally get better at that skill than your partner who doesn’t have your years of experience.
The partner managing the money is not just doing the work but in the process, they’re honing their skills, learning new skills, strengthening their risk tolerance etc.
The partner who is not involved with the finances doesn’t have that same opportunity. Their financial capability can get frozen in time to whatever skill level they had when they stopped being involved with the finances.
Simply telling your partner about your finances may not be enough to help them develop their financial capability.
Over time, this can create friction. One partner develops a greater appetite for risk or develops more confidence in saving strategies, or even starts having new financial goals that they didn’t have before. To the less involved partner, this can all be anxiety-inducing and uncomfortable.
Bringing your partner onto the same page isn’t about just changing their opinions. It’s about supporting them in strengthening the skills and capabilities you’ve developed.
How you do this will depend on you and your partner. For instance, it could just be a matter of you taking the time to offer them the explanations and education they may need to feel safe and confident.
Or you might encourage them to read a few of the books or engage with some of the resources that you have found valuable on your journey of learning how to manage finances. You could start by asking them what they think would help them develop more financial confidence.
It won’t happen overnight. It will take time, just like it took you time. Be patient.
Try to share the financial responsibility: It can feel ‘easier’ for one person to take full responsibility for managing the finances. Maybe one person has more knowledge in the space, or has more of an interest, or has more time.
However, this can have some unintended consequences. It often leads to the other person checking out of your financial affairs, or only being very superficially involved. This is just human nature. It’s hard to take ownership of something you’re not involved in much.
If you ever had a parent who did everything for you, you’ll know that it’s hard to voluntarily take responsibility for your laundry when someone else is happily doing it for you.
Generally, people take responsibility for things they feel a sense of ownership towards. That’s why parents teach children financial responsibility by giving them little bits of their own money.
When one partner takes full responsibility for the household finances, in a sense, it can take away the need for the other partner to take ownership and responsibility.
It can also make it awkward and difficult for the less involved partner to contribute meaningfully to the decision-making because they don’t fully grasp what’s going on.
Simply telling your partner about your finances may not be enough to help them develop their financial capability.
It may be beneficial for your partner to start managing some portion of the finances themselves. With time, they will develop more confidence through repetition, practice and yes, maybe even a few mistakes.
It may feel like a slow process in the short term, but in the long term, you’ll end up as a stronger financial team if you both have some baseline level of financial capability and confidence.
Paridhi Jain is the founder of SkilledSmart, which helps adults learn to manage, save and invest their money through financial education courses and classes.
For expert tips on how to save, invest and make the most of your money, delivered to your inbox every Sunday, sign up for our Real Money newsletter here.
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